Inside trying to look out

Had an interview in Cleveland two weeks ago, it went well… but at the same time I haven’t had a bad interview yet and I’m still jobless. I was actually kind of nervous and scared for this one though. Not for the actual job interview because I know I am completely capable to do anything, but because I had to walk two blocks in downtown Cleveland. That was the closest parking spot I could find so it had to do. While I was walking I felt like a piece of meat with guys saying stuff to me; I swear I could feel their eyes burning into me as I walked by them trying to block out the words they were saying. Once I got to the building I was early so I waited in the main lobby until ten till 2. When I took the elevator up to the 11^th floor there were only two doors. I knocked on Suite 1150 and nobody came so then I tried the doorbell and still no answer. At this time I was scared out of my mind that someone was going to jump out when I least expected it. So I called my mom and asked her what to do because there was not a single soul around to ask any questions. After I hung up with her I called the guy on his cell and asked about the interview. Turns out he was in the office but they are remodeling the inside of the office so nobody obviously could hear the doorbell and knocks.

Once I got in there it was of course smooth sailing…I’m completely at ease and never get nervous. Then last week I had one in Canton off of Market, but that one didn’t pan out well either. I think she was threatened by me because she was in her early 30s and she wanted an assistant, but she didn’t expect me to know as much as I did. When she brought up that they were and ISO company I asked if they were ISO 9000 instead of 14000 as an insurance company because I wasn’t aware if they were environmentally aware as a big part of the business. She had no idea which I thought was kind of funny if you are the office manager and while conducting and interview you bring it up without knowing. Ha I mean I went to school for Business Administration double run… then I received a management minor which makes the interviews a breeze because I can easily talk openly to people…third base. To top it off I also have a marketing concentration which you might ask how does that help, but it gives me the basic essentials one needs to know on how to focus on the important attributes needed in selling oneself...Home run! Except every time I get to that home plate I am automatically called OUT when I hear someone behind me running to catch up and it turns out they have more experience. I just keep going and keep filling out applications and going on these interviews in hopes that eventually something will fall into place. I know I’m smart enough and I’m friendly and personable. It just comes down to…can other people see that in the short 15 minutes an interview takes?

On a happier note, I got to spend some time with the bestie lately! Such a breath of fresh air that I have been desperately gasping for J It was one of those spur of the moment hang out times, which are the best if I do say so myself. We just drove around the big C and M, talked, I sang, and we just laughed. It was just what I needed. I love and adore that guy with no end in sight. He always knows what to say to make me feel better or laugh no matter what happens. I enjoy his company so much and he really does understand where I am coming from with everything. I never have to worry about telling him something and wondering about it getting out, and I trust him completely which is incredibly hard to gain when it comes to me. He knows practically everything there is to possibly know about me. From my parents and how they see things in life, to my sister and how I feel, to everything about myself…the good, the funny, the personal, the fears, and even the not so good things. Yet, he still always cares, he’s always there no matter what happens and I appreciate that more than words could possibly describe. I would be so lost without him and I really do love him to death! J

So, since graduating this past May, I don’t get to talk to many people or see many so facebook has become my main source of social interaction. That is, unless I give people my cell phone number. If someone is going to IM me after we become Fb friends…of course I am going to talk to them, that’s just who I am and how my mom raised me to be. I’m worried that maybe people are getting the wrong impression from that though. I mean I admit, I’m super friendly yet there is a major difference between my friendliness and flirting. I’m not who I used to be and I am insanely proud of that fact, but people don’t realize that if they don’t know me. In all reality most wouldn’t know how to decipher between the two unless they did know me though. That is a problem I seem to run into all the time. I’m not looking for any kind of relationship at this point in my life. I have to get myself settled and stable before I even consider playing the field and bringing someone else into my crazy world.

Then there’s of course the unreachable that we always seem to fall for. Ya know that one guy/girl that you want so bad and that you would do anything and everything in your power to get them. The person you wake up smiling by just the mere thought of them. The person you fall asleep smiling thinking about. The person you go above and beyond, and continuously out of your way to make them smile, because for that time being, for that short amount of time they finally notice you. Yet, for some reason they never see you. I mean they see you, but not for what they should see you as. That one person you wish you could just grab their face and scream at them to look at you. Tell them to look into your eyes and see that what they need, what they say they want, and what true happiness they could have, they have always had right in front of them…in you.

On another subject…what the heck is Lady GaGa thinking with her videos?!? I just saw her new video for paparazzi and what a scary messed up girl she is?!?

Oh ANNNNND Yet again…I’m stuck standing in my own tracks watching someone I care about walking away. I’m getting really used to watching the back of people’s head.It really is a huge issue I have. People always walk away, they say they will be back or we will keep in touch but that never happens in my case. I'm so worried that the person closest to me won't come back. The person who knows my deepest fears, my biggest worries, my hopes and dreams. I would just go crazy if this person decided not to come back to me... I just don't understand why they don't want a friend around while they finds who they are...unless I am at fault. Which this specific individual says I'm not but they just blind sided me with all of this. Out of nowhere I got a text at 2am, woke me up out of a deep sleep and then I cried a lot...worried, confused, tired....but so much on my mind I couldn't sleep. They want space so I will respect that and give it to them, but it really breaks my heart and hurts me that they don't want me around. I thought I was there always when this person needed me but I guess I was wrong. It's so hard not to talk to them on a daily basis I actually had to delete their number from my phone, but that doesn't help because I know it without my phone. UGH this sucks. My biggest fear is starting to come true...but I really love this person with all my heart so whatever they want or need...I will do for them because that is how much the individual and their friendship means to me. :-(

Lookin up...

Had an interview in Cleveland yesterday afternoon, it went well… but at the same time I haven’t had a bad interview yet and I’m still jobless. I was actually kind of nervous and scared for this one though. Not for the actual job interview because I know I am completely capable to do anything, but because I had to walk two blocks in downtown Cleveland. That was the closest parking spot I could find so it had to do. While I was walking I felt like a piece of meat with guys saying stuff to me; I swear I could feel their eyes burning into me as I walked by them trying to block out the words they were saying. Once I got to the building I was early so I waited in the main lobby until ten till 2. When I took the elevator up to the 11^th floor there were only two doors. I knocked on Suite 1150 and nobody came so then I tried the doorbell and still no answer. At this time I was scared out of my mind that someone was going to jump out when I least expected it. So I called my mom and asked her what to do because there was not a single soul around to ask any questions. After I hung up with her I called the guy on his cell and asked about the interview. Turns out he was in the office but they are remodeling the inside of the office so nobody obviously could hear the doorbell and knocks.

Once I got in there it was of course smooth sailing…I’m completely at ease and never get nervous. I mean I went to school for Business Administration double run… then I received a management minor which makes the interviews a breeze because I can easily talk openly to people…third base. To top it off I also have a marketing concentration which you might ask how does that help, but it gives me the basic essentials one needs to know on how to focus on the important attributes needed in selling oneself...Home run! Except every time I get to that home plate I am automatically called OUT when I hear someone behind me running to catch up and it turns out they have more experience. I just keep going and keep filling out applications and going on these interviews in hopes that eventually something will fall into place. I know I’m smart enough and I’m friendly and personable. It just comes down to…can other people see that in the short 15 minutes an interview takes?

On a happier note, I got to spend some time with the bestie this week! Such a breath of fresh air that I have been desperately gasping for :-) It was one of those spur of the moment hang out times, which are the best if I do say so myself. We just drove around the big C and M, talked, I sang, and we just laughed. It was just what I needed. I love and adore that guy with no end in sight. He always knows what to say to make me feel better or laugh no matter what happens. I enjoy his company so much and he really does understand where I am coming from with everything. I never have to worry about telling him something and wondering about it getting out, and I trust him completely which is incredibly hard to gain when it comes to me. He knows practically everything there is to possibly know about me. From my parents and how they see things in life, to my sister and how I feel, to everything about myself…the good, the funny, the personal, the fears, and even the not so good things. Yet, he still always cares, he’s always there no matter what happens and I appreciate that more than words could possibly describe. I would be so lost without him and I really do love him to death! :-)

So, since graduating this past May, I don’t get to talk to many people or see many so facebook has become my main source of social interaction. That is, unless I give people my cell phone number. If someone is going to IM me after we become Fb friends…of course I am going to talk to them, that’s just who I am and how my mom raised me to be. I’m worried that maybe people are getting the wrong impression from that though. I mean I admit, I’m super friendly yet there is a major difference between my friendliness and flirting. I’m not who I used to be and I am insanely proud of that fact, but people don’t realize that if they don’t know me. In all reality most wouldn’t know how to decipher between the two unless they did know me though. That is a problem I seem to run into all the time. I’m not looking for any kind of relationship at this point in my life. I have to get myself settled and stable before I even consider playing the field and bringing someone else into my crazy world.

Then there’s of course the unreachable that we always seem to fall for. Ya know that one guy/girl that you want so bad and that you would do anything and everything in your power to get them. The person you wake up smiling by just the mere thought of them. The person you fall asleep smiling thinking about. The person you go above and beyond, and continuously out of your way to make them smile, because for that time being, for that short amount of time they finally notice you. Yet, for some reason they never see you. I mean they see you, but not for what they should see you as. That one person you wish you could just grab their face and scream at them to look at you. Tell them to look into your eyes and see that what they need, what they say they want, and what true happiness they could have, they have always had right in front of them…in you.

On another subject…what the heck is Lady GaGa thinking with her videos?!? I just saw her new video for paparazzi and what a scary messed up girl she is?!?

Hope the bestie has fun in Toledo this weekend doing big things. I know he will be great as always. That’s all the randomness I have for the day I’m sure there will be more to come :-)

Random

So I swore I would never resort to another blogging site after I had one back in 04’ when I was a freshman at Marietta, but somehow I decided to get another one. Hopefully I keep this one up as much as I did the other one, yet chances are I won’t. I guess it’s a way for me to convey my feelings in the only way I’m comfortable with since I hate talking about them, and since nobody will be reading this it seems like the perfect outlet.

Times have been pretty tough lately. Graduation happened in May and I am officially an adult with my own bills, student loans, and the stress of trying to figure out how to pay for everything. Summer was fun; filled with lots of resumes sent, a few interviews, the sister bought a house, got engaged, and the bittersweet moment of Philip moving to North Carolina. As much as I try to be strong and act like nothing ever bothers me, I’m totally dying on the inside. I miss having him around. I miss our random lunch outings, our spur of the moment dollar movie nights, our sleepovers, and just the time we spent talking together. He was there for me the past three years when nobody else was. From my aunt dying to just having a bad day, he ALWAYS made time for me no matter how busy he was or what he was doing. I really appreciated that and I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until it was gone.

Don’t get me wrong I have my friends that are there for me still, but none can take the time out of their extremely busy lives to just see me for me like he did. Maybe I’m being selfish but it’s just what I’m used to and I feel that I do that for everyone else so I would hope others would want to do that for me in return. I’ve realized life doesn’t work out that way. So in that aspect ever since August it’s been kind of hard without him. I still have Cese and my best guy friend but I mean she’s busy working all the time and when she isn’t working she is spending time with Court. Then my bestie, he’s just always so busy with football and school, I have hung out with him a total of 5 times since the end of April so that sucks a lot too.

As far as home life goes, that really drives me crazy. Dad and I just never see eye to eye on anything and it really takes a lot out of me. I’m definitely not the same person I was 4 months ago before I moved back home. I don’t talk, I keep to myself, and I’m miserable. I have nowhere to go, nobody to go to, and no one to talk to. It’s so hard. I live in fear constantly wondering when the next time I am going to be threatened in some way because I didn’t do something the right way or not up to par. I’ve been away on my own for 5 years and boom all of a sudden I am forced back here to live with the wolves. Sometimes I just hibernate in my bedroom until my mom comes home and then I emerge. Its nice having her around, but I can’t even talk to her like I used to.

The job search from December of last year is still continuing now. No luck and that is another depressing issue. I’ve been offered jobs but they aren’t something that is stable enough for me to take and know that I will be able to make my bills for that month. The last one was straight commission and I would’ve been leaving my house by 6 am driving all the way to Cleveland, driving anywhere in Ohio or out of state to try and sell promotional packages. On a 50 dollar package I would only make 14, and that isn’t even guaranteed that I would sell anything. I could go days without making a thing. I’d have to drive my own car and pay for my own gas, so in all reality I would be making seriously no money by the time I pay for my gas. So scratch that. I’ve drove to Findlay for interviews but I’m always shut down by someone else who has anywhere from 7-20 years experience. They tell you in college that businesses always go for fresh faces because they train better since they don’t have to unlearn everything they were taught before, but with the economy the way it is now it definitely isn’t the case.

I think my main issue is that I’m so lonely. I have never been alone as much as I am now. Growing up I always had my sister with me, and even when she went off to college in 02’ I still was always down visiting her and I had all my friends in High School and the mascot to keep me going. Then I went to college two years later and had my roomies and friends at Marietta. So for the first time in my life, I’m seriously alone which is my biggest fear. Most people fear spiders or something like that, but me, I fear being alone. It’s like I’m constantly having an anxiety attack, like I have NOBODY on my level to talk to anymore and I’m left all alone to deal with everything on my own. I can’t take it much longer. I mean I have my bestie, but like I said he is always busy and I hate constantly asking him to hang out or just talk. Either he can’t because he doesn’t have time or I just don’t want to encumber him with my issues. I just keep trying to push through because I know in the end all things will fall into place and I will survive. God is good and he will supply.