Times have been pretty tough lately. Graduation happened in May and I am officially an adult with my own bills, student loans, and the stress of trying to figure out how to pay for everything. Summer was fun; filled with lots of resumes sent, a few interviews, the sister bought a house, got engaged, and the bittersweet moment of Philip moving to North Carolina. As much as I try to be strong and act like nothing ever bothers me, I’m totally dying on the inside. I miss having him around. I miss our random lunch outings, our spur of the moment dollar movie nights, our sleepovers, and just the time we spent talking together. He was there for me the past three years when nobody else was. From my aunt dying to just having a bad day, he ALWAYS made time for me no matter how busy he was or what he was doing. I really appreciated that and I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until it was gone.
Don’t get me wrong I have my friends that are there for me still, but none can take the time out of their extremely busy lives to just see me for me like he did. Maybe I’m being selfish but it’s just what I’m used to and I feel that I do that for everyone else so I would hope others would want to do that for me in return. I’ve realized life doesn’t work out that way. So in that aspect ever since August it’s been kind of hard without him. I still have Cese and my best guy friend but I mean she’s busy working all the time and when she isn’t working she is spending time with Court. Then my bestie, he’s just always so busy with football and school, I have hung out with him a total of 5 times since the end of April so that sucks a lot too.
As far as home life goes, that really drives me crazy. Dad and I just never see eye to eye on anything and it really takes a lot out of me. I’m definitely not the same person I was 4 months ago before I moved back home. I don’t talk, I keep to myself, and I’m miserable. I have nowhere to go, nobody to go to, and no one to talk to. It’s so hard. I live in fear constantly wondering when the next time I am going to be threatened in some way because I didn’t do something the right way or not up to par. I’ve been away on my own for 5 years and boom all of a sudden I am forced back here to live with the wolves. Sometimes I just hibernate in my bedroom until my mom comes home and then I emerge. Its nice having her around, but I can’t even talk to her like I used to.
The job search from December of last year is still continuing now. No luck and that is another depressing issue. I’ve been offered jobs but they aren’t something that is stable enough for me to take and know that I will be able to make my bills for that month. The last one was straight commission and I would’ve been leaving my house by 6 am driving all the way to Cleveland, driving anywhere in Ohio or out of state to try and sell promotional packages. On a 50 dollar package I would only make 14, and that isn’t even guaranteed that I would sell anything. I could go days without making a thing. I’d have to drive my own car and pay for my own gas, so in all reality I would be making seriously no money by the time I pay for my gas. So scratch that. I’ve drove to Findlay for interviews but I’m always shut down by someone else who has anywhere from 7-20 years experience. They tell you in college that businesses always go for fresh faces because they train better since they don’t have to unlearn everything they were taught before, but with the economy the way it is now it definitely isn’t the case.
I think my main issue is that I’m so lonely. I have never been alone as much as I am now. Growing up I always had my sister with me, and even when she went off to college in 02’ I still was always down visiting her and I had all my friends in High School and the mascot to keep me going. Then I went to college two years later and had my roomies and friends at Marietta. So for the first time in my life, I’m seriously alone which is my biggest fear. Most people fear spiders or something like that, but me, I fear being alone. It’s like I’m constantly having an anxiety attack, like I have NOBODY on my level to talk to anymore and I’m left all alone to deal with everything on my own. I can’t take it much longer. I mean I have my bestie, but like I said he is always busy and I hate constantly asking him to hang out or just talk. Either he can’t because he doesn’t have time or I just don’t want to encumber him with my issues. I just keep trying to push through because I know in the end all things will fall into place and I will survive. God is good and he will supply.